Escape From New York

Well friends, it has once again been far too long since I've posted a new blog entry. This time, however, I feel like I have something that at least approaches a legitimate excuse. See, I've been back in California for the summer, and it's hard to learn things in New York while you're in California. Today, however, I saw a blog post by a friend of mine who has a blog that I would describe as very similar in spirit to mine, and I decided to dust off the ol' keyboard and get at it again.

And it's not like there hasn't been anything interesting going on in my life lately. After all, just last weekend I went on an adventure that involved silent films, the Castro district or San Francisco, missing the last train out of the city, and witchcraft. Sadly, it's not quite as exciting as it sounds.

But that's a story for another day. After all, the name of the blog isn't "Crazy Stuff That's Gone Down in SF." No, instead I'll talk about something much more boring: homesickness. Because apparently while I was in New York, I learned that it is my home.

The mixture of melancholy and nostalgia started as we drove across the Bay Bridge into the city. I couldn't help but notice the similarities between the two great American cities: iconic bridges, locations on the sea, and traffic. Eventually, despite the best efforts of the driver, we arrived in the city alive.

Upon arriving at our destination, we immediately noticed another similarity: parking (or lack there of). At any given moment, there are exactly 12 available parking spaces within the city limits of San Francisco and New York City combined. And 8 of those have meters. After driving around for what I'm sure must have been at least 3 hours, we found a space and parked.

Since we'd been in the car for what seemed like an eternity thanks to traffic and parking, we decided to get something to eat. Not seeing anywhere that sold Rice-a-Roni anywhere, we decided to get the other San Francisco treat: New York style pizza. We found a place called "Escape From New York Pizza" and I was at home immediately. There were pictures of New York tourist traps on the wall. There were large, thin slices of pizza for sale. There was a rude guy who only took cash working the counter. Oh, happy day! I was a big fan. If you're looking for genuine San Francisco New York style pizza, I highly recommend it.

That was all well and good, but it wouldn't be a true New York experience without at least one in-your-face interaction with a truly crazy person. Never fear, though, because that came the next day. This time there were four of us, and we had just seen a show at the Golden Gate Theater. Once again, we needed to find some food. We crossed the street when there were no cars coming, even though the light hadn't changed yet, (just like being home! -- forgive the shameless self-promotion) and were about to continue down the next block when it happened.

"What the [expletive] you looking at, [racial slur]?!"

After trying to figure out whether he had more teeth or fingers, I had to wonder about his comment. After all, I wasn't really looking at him, or at least no more at him than at anything or anyone else. More puzzling was the fact that the particular racial slur he used... well suffice it to say it's generally used to describe people that look like him, not people that look like me.

Still, it was strangely comforting. I was in a big city, and it felt like home.

Man-i Pedi

Author's Note: Any family members with heart conditions should skip the first paragraph.

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later, especially living in New York. You had to know that sooner or later some guy was going to put a blade to my throat and then make me give him money. For me, that day was yesterday. When it was done, I breathed a sigh of relief, smiled to myself, and tipped him. Because, really, if there's anyone you want to make sure you tip well, it's the guy with the blade on your jugular.

For those of you who haven't figured it out yet (and for those family members who heeded my warning) I went to the barber shop and got a professional shave yesterday. You see, last month I started growing a playoff beard in support of the San Jose Sharks. But last Sunday when the Sharks were eliminated from the playoffs, I was left looking like Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top for no reason. But, like, if he only grew facial hair on his neck and not his face. So really more like Kyle Orton. This was all well and good when it was in support of my team, but once they lost it was only nasty and brutish (sadly, it was not short). And since I was also in need of a haircut, I decided I'd take care of it all in one fell swoop.

So I looked for a barber shop where I could end my participation in the Grizzly Adams look-alike contest I had apparently entered. I came across a place called Solomon's Barber Shop. Given the name, the yarmulkes were not surprising. The Russian accents were. Still, despite the fears instilled by the film Eastern Promises (sorry, no link-- it's graphically violent, and this is a family blog) I went in and asked for a cut and a shave.

Men, (and some of you women... you know who you are) if you have never been professionally shaved, you really should try it. Yes, you could always shave yourself, but you don't have the time, skill, or equipment to do the job a professional does. Essentially, it's the male version of a manicure or pedicure. The parallels are actually quite striking. Both are grooming tasks that you can really do yourself, but to an inferior degree. Both leave you sounding like Ron Burgundy. Both make you feel pampered. And both will be gone (or at least will have lost their professional touch, which was the whole point) in a matter of days.

Now, I realize that I may have lost some of my men there. After all, if you're reading my blog, you must be a real man's man, right? So why would you want something I describe as being kin to a manicure? The key here is that it's got all of the benefits of a manicure, but with all of the awesomeness of being manly. I've never had a manicure before, but I imagine it doesn't involve a guy expertly wielding a razor sharp... um... razor right around your neck. And I'm not talking about one of those razors that has more blades than Wesley Snipes' filmography, I'm talking about an awesome, straight edge, kill you where you sit razor. And a piping hot towel wrapped around your face. It's really a wonderful experience.

In the slightly paraphrased words of Ferris Bueller, "I highly recommend getting one if you have the means. They are so choice." Add that to my list of discoveries here in New York.

Fine Foods

Nope, I'm not dead. I am very much alive and excited to get back to my blog for two reasons: because I like it and because getting back to the good ol' blog means I'm not being crushed under the weight of full time class and near full time work any longer. Sixteen projects, five tests, a couple of homework assignments, and a presentation later (okay, so I only actually did fourteen of the projects, close enough) I am ready to get back to enjoying my fair city and telling you all about it. And fear not, for I was still able to learn even though school was monopolizing all of my time, which means I have plenty to tell you about.

It's the middle of the afternoon, and I'm getting hungry, so I can think of no better topic to explore with you right now than fine foods. No, really. I can't think of anything else. I wish they had a vending machine in here so I could get some Mike & Ikes or something. But I suppose food is as good as any other topic to discuss.

But since I am talking about "fine" foods in particular, I think it would be a good idea to talk about precisely what I mean by fine, because there are a lot of different meanings to the word, and I want to make sure we're using the same one. When I say "fine," (parental guidance suggested on that link, by the way) I am not using it the way young men use it to describe a young woman. I am also not using it the way people in relationships sometimes use it, meaning, "Not acceptable in any way."

No, when I say "fine," I'm referring to the other definition: a sum of money that must be paid when you have in some way messed up. Now before you jump all over me for using a noun as an adjective, I want you to pause for a moment. You're reading a blog, not a Proust novel. As long as Iz not speeking like dee lolcatz, eye think iz okay. Let's move on.

I imagine most of my readers have been forced to pay fines, or at least been threatened with them. Maybe for parking in the wrong place or for driving too fast. Fines like this are set explicitly by the government and are charged when you get formally cited for an infraction. The fines in the New York food system are much more subtle. The only citation you get is the preposterous check when you go to leave. And the codes that will result in these kinds of fines are also more subtle. It can sometimes be hard to tell the difference between restaurants that have high prices because they are incredibly tasty or have huge portions and those where you have to pay for the mistake of going there.

There are all sorts of hidden fees in New York restaurants as well. One place I went for dinner informed me that I had to buy an appetizer (and by "appetizer," they meant 3 shrimp for $10... and not jumbo shrimp or anything like that). This seemed silly to me, but then the waitress explained that it was because they did not charge a corking fee. And even that might make sense, except it was a BYOB place. So I paid $10 for an amount of food similar to a single Tic Tac because I brought in my own beverage, which I had to do because they didn't sell beverages there. Yes, I paid a food fine that night.

The purpose of this blog isn't to complain or rant. Okay, it may be a little bit to rant. But more importantly, I want you all to be aware, so that if you come out here you can be careful so as not to incur extra expenses just for dining. After all, the purpose of this blog is to look out for you and share the vital information I have learned out here.

The Best Things About New Jersey: The New Jersey Turnpike

I just realized that I have shortchanged my readers. A few weeks ago I promised you all that each time I crossed over into New Jersey, I'd share with you one of the best things they have going for them over there. And then I never went back. Except I did.

See, a few weeks ago my friends and I went down to DC for the weekend. It happened to be the week it was closed, but no matter. It's not like the White House disappears just because the boys on the Hill had a snow day. So, as anyone with even the slightest knowledge of East Coast geography (a group that I hope will soon include me) can tell you, that means I went through New Jersey. So I bring to you the second installment of my continuing series, "The Best Things About New Jersey."

Now, as you might imagine, we didn't spend a whole lot of time in New Jersey since we were just driving through. But then, that's the beauty of it: we didn't spend a lot of time in New Jersey. And because of that, I must tell you that the New Jersey Turnpike is one of the best things about New Jersey.

There's not much to say, really. It's a long, piece of road that takes you from somewhere all the way through nowhere and back to somewhere again. It even has rest stops along the way where you can purchase food and I ♥ NY tee shirts (perfect for wearing while enjoying the New York City skyline from Hoboken). And sure, you have to pay to drive on it, but in a way that's a plus too. That way you get to have that East Coast elitist feeling. It's kind of like paying $35 for a plain white t-shirt (which I was going to include a link to, but all of the pages I found had men wearing just the shirts and tightie whities, and this is a family blog). After all, you can't put a price on a false sense of superiority.

So the next time you're in Jersey, make sure you take advantage of the New Jersey Turnpike. And keep taking advantage of it until you're no longer in New Jersey.

Super Tuesday

In case you missed it because you're not a fan of football, funny commercials, junk food, The Who, exciting moments, being around other people, or Kim Kardashian, the Super Bowl was this Sunday. Interestingly, the NFC won the coin toss for the thirteenth year in a row. Less interestingly, the team I was pulling for lost for the third year in a row. Further proof that the age old axiom "Never bet against Peyton Manning" should only apply during the regular season.

Okay, enough talk of football for now. My readers who aren't interested have been subjected to enough conversation about it over the last few weeks. Besides, I've written about football before. That, and the season is over, and talking about it too much might make me cry. I'm a very emotional man.

So what is this post going to be about? Truth be told, I have absolutely no idea. I just noticed that I have a little time right now, and since I really have no idea when that will happen again, I figured I'd write something.

Okay, I can't really think of anything off the top of my head, and my list of potential topics isn't on this computer, so this is going to be short.

Just over a week ago, I learned that how you dress is important. Now, I'm not talking about looking nice for an interview or anything like that; I think people, in general, already know that. What am I talking about? Let me put it like this: they say that you should dress for the job you want, but you need to keep in mind that the opposite is true too. For example, if you're going to the Met, don't wear a suit if there's any chance that you will be standing by a wall waiting for your date to use the restroom. If this happens, you will be asked where the Egyptian collection is, and people will think you are a complete fool who is terrible at your job if you don't know. Along similar lines, if you want to just wander around a Best Buy without being bothered, don't wear a blue polo and khakis.

Okay, I guess that's all I've got for today. Savor it, though, as posts over the next couple months will probably be few and far between. Fair warning.

Empire State of the Union

This Wednesday, an address was given to the nation by our leader, as is our custom. In it he gave us his vision for the future, and what he expects those under him to provide for the American people in order to improve and enrich our lives.

You may be saying to yourself, "Jon, that's all well and good, but Congress isn't really 'under' President Obama," and in that you would be right. But in another sense, you would be wrong. You see, I am not talking about the President's State of the Union address. I am talking about a speech that many more people actually care about: Steve Jobs' keynote about the iPad.

Yes, that is right. After years of rumors and rabid fan gossip, the Apple tablet is here. And by "tablet" I of course mean "giant iPhone that can't make phone calls." Doesn't that just make you want to go drop $500 on one? I always thought that as technology moved forward, things would continue to get smaller and smaller. Apparently not. Maybe technology is cyclical. I guess I should go buy a beeper when I'm done writing this, before they get popular again.

It's no surprise, however, that the news is a really big deal here in New York. I have noticed that Apple products, particularly iPods and iPhones, are everywhere around here. Before I moved out here, I thought gadgets like that were only for rich suburban dwellers. Probably because the only people I saw with them were rich suburban dwellers. Which was probably because the only people around were rich suburban dwellers. Here, however, everyone has one. I'm constantly amazed by how many people appear to be so poor, but still manage to pay the $80, $90, or however many dollars a month for an iPhone with a data plan. I mean, I live where I live partly because I'm too poor to live in Harlem, so how rich could my neighbors be? Actually, perhaps their expensive iPhone plans are the very reason they have to live in the Bronx to begin with.

My favorite sight, however, is seeing a homeless person with an iPod. This boggles my mind. Not because they could sell it and get money for some food (because that money would soon run out, then they'd be hungry, cold, and bored, where now they're just hungry and cold). No, I just wonder where they charge them. Seriously, don't you need to plug those suckers into a laptop to get them charged?

Well there you have it. New Yorkers universally love Apple, which explains why the Apple stores around here look like temples. I suppose, in a sense, they are.



*NOTE: I stole the "technology is cyclical" and beepers bit from 30 Rock. I don't want to get all Carlos Mencia on you guys, but I thought it was worth repeating, so long as I cite my sources.

It's New Math

Math is a curious thing. Eight years ago, when I first started taking Calculus, the class was still based on the work of Sir Isaac Newton. But based on an experience I had last night, it would seem that in the 6 or so years it's been since I've taken a math class, everything that I have learned has changed. It seems that some new form of mathematics must have been developed in that time that has completely negated the rules that I have spent so much of my education learning.

It all started (and ended, for that matter) in the Target in the Bronx. It was a fairly routine trip; I got the items I needed and proceeded to the checkout lines. Since I had only picked up 8 things, I went to the "10 items or less" express lane. I found a pretty short line, and as I walked up the only person in front of me was already paying. It was then, however, that I heard the Siren's cry. "There's no one at register three," she said, "you can go up there." I know that I should have known better, but what was I to do? The woman had said it more as a command than a suggestion, so I obeyed against my better judgment.

So with basket in hand, I proceeded to register three, which was also an express lane. As I came within a yard of the conveyor belt, a woman looked me in the eye and muttered something along the lines of "I was going there." Normally, the person standing three feet in front of the other person checks out first, but I was in a good mood. So instead of saying any of the many rude, sarcastic remarks that immediately came to mind, I let her go first. Rookie mistake.

At this point, you are probably wondering two things. First, you are probably asking yourself what any of this has to do with math (though some of you may see where this is going, since I pointed out that it was an express lane). Second, you probably want to know why I am writing about something so boring and mundane as a trip to the store, instead of the usual inspired tales that you, my readers, have become so accustomed to. To that, I sadly have no answer.

At this point, I glanced into the woman's cart. By my count, there were about 20 items. Maybe 25. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "I see, this 'new math' is about 25 being less than 10 now," which is a reasonable guess. It's also an incorrect guess. You see, the person in front of me realized her mistake, so she broke it up into orders of about 14, 2, and 2. This, of course, doesn't add up to 20 or 25. See, during the second and third orders she had the employee add a few items, then remove them, then add some, then remove some. All the while, the woman was looking back to me with a look that said, "I'm sorry." Unfortunately, it was a rather unsatisfying, "Sorry this is taking so long, though I guess it's nobody's fault; these things happen," instead of the more appropriate, "Sorry that I'm wasting your time because I can't count to 10, let alone figure out what I want before I get in line."

No matter. I suppose it was worth it to learn the new rules of mathematics: 14 is less than 10, and if you have an equation or inequality, you can divide one side by three without dividing the other by it as well. I'll be sure to remember those little tidbits next time I have an exam.