It's New Math

Math is a curious thing. Eight years ago, when I first started taking Calculus, the class was still based on the work of Sir Isaac Newton. But based on an experience I had last night, it would seem that in the 6 or so years it's been since I've taken a math class, everything that I have learned has changed. It seems that some new form of mathematics must have been developed in that time that has completely negated the rules that I have spent so much of my education learning.

It all started (and ended, for that matter) in the Target in the Bronx. It was a fairly routine trip; I got the items I needed and proceeded to the checkout lines. Since I had only picked up 8 things, I went to the "10 items or less" express lane. I found a pretty short line, and as I walked up the only person in front of me was already paying. It was then, however, that I heard the Siren's cry. "There's no one at register three," she said, "you can go up there." I know that I should have known better, but what was I to do? The woman had said it more as a command than a suggestion, so I obeyed against my better judgment.

So with basket in hand, I proceeded to register three, which was also an express lane. As I came within a yard of the conveyor belt, a woman looked me in the eye and muttered something along the lines of "I was going there." Normally, the person standing three feet in front of the other person checks out first, but I was in a good mood. So instead of saying any of the many rude, sarcastic remarks that immediately came to mind, I let her go first. Rookie mistake.

At this point, you are probably wondering two things. First, you are probably asking yourself what any of this has to do with math (though some of you may see where this is going, since I pointed out that it was an express lane). Second, you probably want to know why I am writing about something so boring and mundane as a trip to the store, instead of the usual inspired tales that you, my readers, have become so accustomed to. To that, I sadly have no answer.

At this point, I glanced into the woman's cart. By my count, there were about 20 items. Maybe 25. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "I see, this 'new math' is about 25 being less than 10 now," which is a reasonable guess. It's also an incorrect guess. You see, the person in front of me realized her mistake, so she broke it up into orders of about 14, 2, and 2. This, of course, doesn't add up to 20 or 25. See, during the second and third orders she had the employee add a few items, then remove them, then add some, then remove some. All the while, the woman was looking back to me with a look that said, "I'm sorry." Unfortunately, it was a rather unsatisfying, "Sorry this is taking so long, though I guess it's nobody's fault; these things happen," instead of the more appropriate, "Sorry that I'm wasting your time because I can't count to 10, let alone figure out what I want before I get in line."

No matter. I suppose it was worth it to learn the new rules of mathematics: 14 is less than 10, and if you have an equation or inequality, you can divide one side by three without dividing the other by it as well. I'll be sure to remember those little tidbits next time I have an exam.