I'm Missing My Shortz

Today was my first day of class at Columbia University in the City of New York, so I suppose it's fitting that I write about something I learned today. Don't worry, this isn't going to be about computer networks or programming languages or anything like that. In fact, it's about something that computers have been killing off recently: newspapers.

Columbia University actually has several publications distributed around its campus. But one of them is written in some sort of Asian characters that I can't even identify, much less read, so that one's out. Actually most of them are out, since I only picked up one while I was on campus.

Before I got to campus, however, I did take a paper from a guy on the street. I was ready to walk straight past him avoiding eye contact, and thereby avoiding being the vehicle that moves whatever he's offering from his hands to the garbage, when I heard what it was he was offering me: a fresh Onion. For those of you unfamiliar with The Onion, it's a satirical newspaper that features fake news. It's popularity has resulted in a number of fake books and even a fake movie. Truth be told, I didn't even know they actually printed it, I thought it was an online only kind of thing. I excitedly took the newest fake news and tucked it away for the four hour gap in between my classes, and when the time came it did not disappoint. Articles about a "totally hot chick who's, like, really crazy" and a student at Penn State who will be wearing the same clothes all year were particularly interesting. The only problem is that I peeled through the pages too fast and was left with over an hour to kill before class started again. I was so upset about it I even teared up a little bit.

And so, having already digested The Onion, I went for what looked like Columbia's version of Cal Poly's Mustang Daily. I wasn't terribly interested in reading any articles, even though I was quite certain they would be better than those in the "Mistake Daily." No, all I was really looking for was a New York Times crossword puzzle and maybe a Sudoku. I quickly flipped through looking for it, and found the crossword within a couple pages (come on, they're not idiots. They know why people get the paper). I looked at the top to see whether it was today's or if it was several months old, like the Daily's used to be. And that's when I noticed something was missing. I didn't see the words "New York Times" or "edited by Will Shortz" anywhere on the puzzle. That's because it wasn't from the New York Times or edited by Will Shortz. No, I sat there in the middle of New York City looking at a crossword puzzle from the L.A. Times. Ladies and gentlemen, I could not make this up if I wanted to.

I doubt I'll ever know why that paper uses an inferior crossword from 3,000 miles away. I've got a better chance of finishing a Friday crossword than I do of finding out the truth, and I won't even be on campus on Fridays. If I ever do find out, I'll be sure to inform you. Till then, I hope you've at least learned something about news, fake news, and crosswords.