Facing the Facts of the Weather

Earlier this year, when I told people I was moving to New York for grad school, the response I received most was, "Man, good luck dealing with a real winter. It gets cold out there," or something to that effect. ("Wow, Jon, that's a great opportunity for you. Good luck" was distant second). They immediately gave me all sorts of advice: get some Long Johns, wear a hat, just stay in California where it's warm, that sort of thing. It sounded like good advice, but I suspected that I would ignore it anyway and walk around in a t-shirt, jeans, and a jacket that would seem a little light by New York standards. Sure enough, that's how it's gone so far. Some mornings (like today, for example) it's been really cold, but when I think about it, I suspect that none of the advice I've received would have helped much anyway. You see, out here the problem is, as my dear friend Kevin Markley would put it, your face.

I suppose I should be used to my face being the problem at this point, but what can you do? Long underwear may be great, but I'm not going to wear underwear on my head-- this isn't summer camp. Yes, a hat would go on my head as well, but that still leaves my face out there, exposed to the elements, and really, really cold.

So what are my options? I thought about going the ski mask route, but aside from the problem of not being able to go into the corner store without the owner introducing me to the business end of his shotgun (for obvious reasons), it turns out it's illegal anyway. The city takes the approach of trying to make it look like no crimes happen here to deter criminal from committing more crimes (not even criminals want to be the first person to drop something in the tip jar. Ooooh, psychology), so it's against the law to even look like you're going to knock over a liquor store. I could also go the invisible man route, but I never did figure out how he sees out of that thing. So then I'd have to get a seeing eye dog too. Too many complications. I've also considered just exchanging my face with a guy who still lives in California, but it turns out you can't actually do that. Who would have guessed that a John Woo flick would not have a realistic premise?

So what, as Regis would ask, is my final answer? Nothing. I've learned that really all I can do is sit there, take it, and hope it stops. Kind of like with "your face" jokes.